


The Unspeakables Tour

by Slumber



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Department of Mysteries, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-04
Updated: 2012-09-04
Packaged: 2017-11-13 13:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/504160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slumber/pseuds/Slumber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Department of Mysteries is open for tours.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unspeakables Tour

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wondered what the Department of Mysteries did. Written for [hh_writersblock](http://hh-writersblock.livejournal.com/) back when it did 30-minute challenges.

**One day, over toast...**

"Marge!" Dedalus Diggle called out, sipping a cup of tea as he read The Daily Prophet.

"Stop yelling, old man!" came the reply.

"Marge!"

"What is it?"

"Did you know the Department of Mysteries is offering tours to the public?"

"What?" Marge came over from the other side of the room. She limped--side effect of the hip replacement she had Charmed last month at St. Mungo's--and hobbled over to where Dedalus was enjoying his breakfast.

"Here, see?" Dedalus showed her the advertisement in the paper. "It's only five sickles a person."

"Five sickles a person? That's a load of crock!" Marge spat. "They'll have us form a line, nice and proper, and show us their lobby, and thank us for our time."

"This could be really fun, Marge."

"Oh, Dedalus, you always get taken in by these scams. The Department of Mysteries will _never_ show us any of the really good stuff!"

"But Marge--"

"No."

"They've got Harry Potter signing autographs for the first ten registrations."

 

**Welcome to the Department**

"I'm glad you've all found your way here," Terry Boot said with a big smile. "Welcome to the Department of Mysteries. I'm Terry Boot, your guide, and this is Theodore Nott, who will be making sure we don't lose any of you today."

The crowd laughed, but from the way their nervous laughter echoed through the glass walls of the Department of Mysteries lobby, Terry wasn't sure whether or not they knew it was a joke.

Truth be told, he wasn't sure it was a joke either.

"Now, I'd like you all to keep in mind a few reminders," he went on. "Please do not stray away from the crowd--there are two of us, because I'll always be ahead and Theodore will always be behind, to make sure that you don't wander into the more dangerous parts of Mysteries. Please keep your hands close to your body at all times. If at any moment of the tour you find yourself with a need to leave, either for a bathroom break or anything else, please let us know and we'll have one of our Unspeakables escort you out. You will need to be accompanied by an Unspeakable at _all_ times, is that clear?"

Everyone looked at each other in trepidation.

"Don't worry," he said, smiling. "This is going to be a fun tour!"

 

**To your right, the Hall of Prophecies**

"Please be careful, the aisles can be very narrow!" Terry said as he guided the group through the Hall of Prophecies. "This is what is known to the public as the Hall of Prophecies. Our Unspeakables track down all the prophecies ever uttered--and those are rare--and keep them in this room."

"What do you use it for?" somebody from the back asked.

"That's a very good question," Terry said. "We basically try to ensure that the prophecy is either fulfilled, or avoided."

"How do you decide?"

"We have a board of directors that makes these decisions," he explained. 

"But is that right?"

Terry smiled again. "Again, the Unspeakables have been part of the Ministry of Magic for as long as it has been around. We are, of course, open to suggestions for how to do things, but for the most part, there's a reason for everything we do. Good reasons. We have only the public's well-being in mind, after all."

 

**To your left, the Brain Room**

"We've had a couple of new trainees call this the Brain Room," Terry explained as they moved through the hall. There were a few jelly-like things encased in glass displays, and behind a glassed wall, a few Unspeakables were deep in the process of performing experiments. 

"What is it, really?" somebody asked him.

"Well," he said, pausing for the right level of dramatic effect. "To be honest, we're performing experiments on brains, but they're not quite brains."

"What are they, then?"

"See those creatures over there?" he asked, pointing to the far end of the room, where a bony corpse was shackled to a bed.

"Is that an _Inferi_?"

"Well done; somebody's brushed up on their dark creatures!" 

"What are they there for?"

"Well, the Ministry is trying to figure out what makes these Inferi tick. We're doing a lot of testing to see how safe they are for the public, and if there's any way we can use them to help out, perhaps as labor or something similar."

"Like an army?"

Terry looked at the person who asked the question. "Of course not," he said quickly. "The Ministry will do no such thing."

 

**Try to keep your talking to a minimum**

"Isn't this _exciting_ , Marge?" Dedalus whispered. "Ooh, they're really showing us _everything_!"

"Quiet, old man," Marge hushed. She was glaring at her Harry Potter autograph with dismay. "This is a print. It's not even legitimate. I'm going to complain as soon as we get out of this."

 

**Why yes, that _is_ Nessie**

"Is that--"

"Whoa!"

Terry beamed. "Yes, folks, you would be correct. This _is_ the Loch Ness monster behind this aquarium here."

"What are you doing with it?"

"Well, the Department of Mysteries is really responsible for a lot of different things. Often we get assigned cases and problems that fall just outside the jurisdiction of other departments. Normally, you would think that taking care of the Loch Ness Monster--she's a dragon, by the way, a Scottish Silver--would fall under Regulation of Magical Creatures, but there was a bit of a Muggle sighting involved in the lake where she was found, so Mysteries had to go in and make sure everything was in order."

"Did you clean up the mess, is that what you're saying?"

Terry laughed. "Exactly." He looked around the room. "Right now Mysteries is taking care of this Scottish Silver, but we're also making sure that Muggles are never aware of the existence of dragons. The rumor going around that this is some sort of monster, that was our department's work."

"Wow."

"Our time's almost up," Terry said. "Why don't we head over to the last leg of our tour?"

 

**We hope you enjoyed the sights**

"I hope you enjoyed what you saw, and I hope you learned a lot about what our department does," Terry said. "Unspeakables do a variety of things, most of which witches and wizards like you never really get to know about."

"It's because you're all secretive!" someone said, and the crowd burst into laughter.

"We do many things in secret because we really have to keep them that way, unfortunately," Terry said. "One of the first things we learn about as soon as we begin training for the Unspeakable position is how to cast memory charms. This room contains all the different times in Mysteries history that we've had to use memory charms to make sure our secrets remain safe."

The crowd went around to look at the pictures and explanations plastered all around the circular room.

"Is this--"

"Yep."

"And this--"

"Exactly."

"You memory-charmed a _lot!_ "

"There are two kinds of memory charms that we use," Terry went on to explain. "The first is the simple erasing charm that wipes out the memory of a person. It's a great charm, easy enough to use, but to be honest that's only the first charm that we use. The second is trickier, but once mastered it can be very powerful indeed. Does anybody know what that charm is?"

"The one that replaces your memory?"

"Yes!" Terry said. "That's the second charm we perform. It's even better when the person whose memory you've just wiped has a different idea of what happened, don't you think?"

The crowd nodded, impressed, no doubt, by the way the Mysteries department ran their operations.

"Well folks, it's nearly time to go. I hope you enjoyed your visit and please do come again," he said. "Why don't we gather round for a group photo for a souvenir? Just over there, please--yes, thank you. Theodore, will you come over here and take the picture? Thanks."

The crowd gathered in front of Terry and Theodore. 

"Smile!" Terry reminded them.

They did.

"And one, two, three-- _Obliviate_."

 

**One afternoon, over tea...**

"Marge!"

"What? I'm _busy_ , old man."

"Come here, why don't you?"

"I'm _busy_."

"You're retired, you haven't got anything to be busy about!"

" _What_ , then?" Marge huffed, coming over. She wiped her hands on her apron. "What do you want?"

"Did you know the Department of Mysteries is offering tours to the public?"


End file.
